What not to add to your "bucket list'? Breast Biopsy.

Tues 4/9: Fast-forward to the day of my Biopsy....

Within minutes I'm prepped and injected with a local anesthetic in the area where Lumpy and the 'suspicious' lymph are. Doc explains she will make an incision, a small nick to allow room for the big ass needle and that there will be a snapping sound when the needle goes in. What she failed to mention was that what follows the snapping sound will make me take a mental detour to my Happy Place. OMFG! The pain! She explains that its the snapping that has me on edge. You know the 'anticipation'. I explain no bitch its pain! [sans the B word] I think i know the difference between anticipation and having tissue ripped out my breast. 

It's then explained to me that the first snap when the needle is injected is for lack of a better word 'opening' the mouth of the needle and the second snap is the device extracting or sucking out the tissue. Guess which snap caused the most pain?! 

She asked if I wanted more local anesthetic... yes please! With a shot of Bacardi and a bong! The shit still hurt. This is some bullshit brown baby jesus! What did my boob do to deserve this?! 5 stabs later she completes part 1. Doc exits and I get a few mins to regroup, whoosah and stare up at the ceiling where oddly enough a chandelier hangs. 

Digression....
Who in their right mind would hang a chandelier in a medical facility? It's not even a nice looking chandelier. It's tacky as all hell. I mean why not hang a poster of cute puppies, landscape of paradise, or some encouraging mantra for patients to read in the middle of a procedure. Not to mention if there's an earthquake (as a Los Angelino I think of earthquakes and emergency exits often) that sucker is bound to fall and crush the technician AND Dr since the examining room is the size of a Smurfs apartment.

Cue the Dr...
"Ready for round 2?" Is that a rhetorical question? 

Part 2 is biopsying my "suspicious" lymph node. This part wasn't as painful. The needle was smaller, the anesthetic was given more time to kick in and perhaps the location (under my arm pit) was not as sensitive. Either way i can focus on the ultrasound monitor where the image of the lymph allows the Dr to inject the needle at the perfect location to extract lymph tissue.

Unfortunately this little kidney bean shaped lymph is right up against a blood vessel. Its a tricky spot especially because every time the needle is injected the lymph is pushed back making difficult to pierce. Its like I'm watching a silent film starring Lymph Node & Vacuum Needle. 

I find their dance on the screen fascinating. Both the Tech and I watch the ultrasound monitor rooting for the Dr to pierce the lymph like cheerleaders on a sideline. Every time she gets close we give words of encouragement..."yea right there!" u got it!" After several minutes she manages to get a couple of samples...she hopes are good enough.

We wrap up the procedure with her advising me that it can be one of two things cancer or IGM (which i can't recall what it stands for...long ass medical term for something I can't have I learned after I Googled it). I sense immediately she thinks its cancer. I am obviously aiming for Door #3--nothing and this chick as no clue what she's talking about.

The preliminary pathology report will be available in 24 hours... cue the dramatic soap opera music.