Fri 4/5: I walk into an imaging diagnostic facility for my mammo & ultrasound. Mammo comes first... OH MY BROWN BABY JESUS!! I've enjoyed rough sex on occasion (who doesn't, right?!).... well let me say clamping my lil boobies with a device named Bucky (named after the owner?) ...a device that was obviously designed by a man! (no offense gentlemen readers) is not only awkward but FUCKING PAINFUL. Any women who say it doesn't hurt (like giving birth to a watermelon) must be on some V (aka Vampire Blood; True Blood reference... c'mon! you didn't get that?) :)
I pride myself on being a tough cookie. I mean I got nipple piercings on both boobs on my 21st birthday and they did not use local anesthesia when I got the piercings (yea, it hurt, but I managed!). But this shit here... this shit known as a MAMMOGRAM... Shiiiit! Its suffice to say I may have swore a lil bit at the technician.
And because my life is a sitcom this procedure could not have gone without some comedy-relief. Good ol Bucky, the mammo machine, decides he needs a break in the middle of completing my slides. Whilst my right boob was trapped in a vice Bucky decided to shut down. I was Smh while keeping still & holding my breath I thought to myself "Self. This is some BS. Leave it to me to overwhelm Bucky with my lil boobs." Needless to say, the procedure took a bit longer than norm and Bucky got a shit ton of action... at my boobs expense.
Next up the Ultrasound! OMG! So much better than Bucky the boob smashing devil! However, I gotta be honest, the fact that I had to have an ultrasound immediately after my mammo didn't sit well with me. It was like a precursor of the news to come.
Getting back to the ultrasound procedure, this device... pretty much the same procedure done on pregnant women, is Painless. The Tech even warmed up the gel on the wand or thing-a-ma-jig that scanned my lil girl, who btw at this point is terrified & bruised like a beaten victim. (cue the tear drop)
By this point.... give or take 30 minutes after the mammo I'm shaking on the inside from the trauma Bucky caused. The ultrasound leads to the a brief consult with the Radiologist. Cue the suspense music.... She reveals that the mass is not, Not, NOT a cyst nor a fibroid. She was very clear.
.
My Spirit felt betrayed, hurt, confused & angry. She didn't say it was cancer, but she didn't say it wasn't. 50/50 chance. Crappy odds if u ask me! I went to my happy place where I create my own Reality and Destiny and she became Charlie Brown's teacher -- I heard little of what she had to share.
One thing I did hear thru the fog of "what the fuck...is this a dream" was that because the images from both the ultra and mammo she recommended a biopsy of both Lumpy (right breast) and a swollen lymph node that looked 'suspicious'. Awei!
*Disclaimer: When the Radiologist thinks something is 'suspicious' ask a shit ton of questions. You may not have the questions ready at the moment, but go home marinated, pull yourself together, be rational, logical, and methodical as best you can in devising a game plan. Share the news with those who support you ASAP...even if you think some can't handle the news! You will be surprised who come out of of the wood work!
The time spent in the abyss of "unknown" or "not knowing" was hands down the worse. More mind boggling than the mammo physical pain. I am blessed with a phenomenal support system and the minute I received the 50/50 news I called every single one of my close family/friends. There was no way I was bottling up and managing the fear by myself. That was one of the best decision I made!
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