Wed 4/10 3:30pm: 24 hours after the biopsy the Universe beams a sack of bricks at me and my world becomes a blur as my Dr explains that preliminary pathology report confirms I have breast cancer. What you talking about Willis!? As she explains what this means with my brother on speaker phone I'm having a conversation with myself...
Wait a minute...hold the train! I have a relatively healthy lifestyle, I don't eat sweets, don't even like chocolate, eat little meat, mostly chicken, walk everywhere, exercise, have a small carbon footprint, not to mention all the good karma I've put out to the world with my community service! 2 yrs, 4 months of service with the Peace Corps has got to count for something, right? Not to mention the extra brownie points for living a blessed life, generous with whomever crosses my path, and being a good person. And while we're at it, Universe, let's throw in recently dedicating myself to training for a natural bodybuilding competition. Really, Universe?! This is how you're gonna do me?! I've been blindsided. You're telling me that all I've done and how I've lived is for NOTHING... I DID IT FOR NOTHING?!
In the end, whether it's my genetic makeup or something in the environment, GMO in my meat, Parafen in my deodorant, pollution, not living a balance life (all work little play the latter trumped the healthy lifestyle! THIS IS SOME BS! A wave of anger hits me as I sit in the quiet room listening to my Dr explain the pathology report and next steps. As soon as she finishes and I hang up with my bro she asks if I have any other questions? My anger unleashes in the form of tears. "Nobody wants cancer" is all I can muster thru my sobs. I give myself 5 mins to boowho and feel sorry for myself. That's all the time I'm allowing for a pity party. The Universe obviously knows who she's messing with me because it's on now! If ever there was a challenge I had to face this is it. And Universe, I'm taking it on with a strength of a a tribe of Taino warriors. Tears dry, sobs subside..."Whats next?", I ask the Dr.
She recommends a genetic test which consist of collecting my spit in a tube. In 2 weeks I find out if i have the mutant gene that causes cancer. Chances are slim since only one maternal aunt has been known to have breast cancer in my family but it's possible. She also explains that I will meet with a breast surgeon who will discuss everything in detail including the full complete pathology report on Friday. She hands me a brochure with the Dr.'s info.
The brochure has a full length image of my breast surgeon in his white coat---damn he's Hot! Looks like he's 30-something, tall, dark and Handsome just the way I like my men! "Wow, this is my Dr?", I ask the radiologist. Yes, that's Dr so-and-so an expert in his field and very sweet man. "And not to shabby looking either.", I add. *insert drooling smiley face* Looks like the Universe hasn't left me high and dry. We're gonna call him Dr. Handsome...Oooohweee!
After the consult, I'm prepped for a chest MRI. I'm given a gown and walk to the MRI room. I remind the Tech and Dr that I have nipple rings and ask if that will be a problem. "Do I need to remove them?", I ask. Lets see if we can get some images first a Tech suggest. I lay on my belly with Lumpy & Lefty protruding through a gap and slide into the round coffin-like giant machine whose swishing sound lulls me into a trance.
An IV is placed on my right arm to inject contrast (ink) in my blood stream and chest to better view images. The first round begins, the giant machine wakes with a loud noise. After several minutes the Tech returns...no luck, nipple rings must be removed because they are causing artifacting on the images. This is where the comedy begins.
I explain to both the Dr. and Techs (at this point 2 additional Techs have entered the room) that I've had my nipple rings for 13 years, have never removed them and need special pliers because they don't screw off. All 3 leave the room to figure out a Plan B. You got a pair of pliers? I hear the male Tech ask my Dr as he walks out of the MRI room. Do I look like someone who walks around with pliers? she responds followed by laughter.
Minutes later as I sit and wait unable to attempt removing my rings because the IV is still in my arm, a female Tech walks in and asks if my rings are similar to a belly piercing? Yes, but they don't screw off. I explain again they can only be loosened with a special tool. She asks if she can try to remove them because she use to have a belly piercing. "Knock yourself out.", I say knowing all too well that they minus well be welded shut because fingers are not strong enough to remove them. At this point she is Tech #3 all up on my breast trying to figure out how to remove them.
Seriously, they were meant to come to grave with me... never to be removed. She tries, manages to move the ball a bit but no cigar. She was also afraid of ripping my nipple off accidentally. My Dr cringes while watching and asks "Why would You do that to yourself?" HA! I respond, "Because they're beautiful when decorated!" She's not convinced.
Needless to say, 30 minutes later all attempts to my rings are futile. "Yea, you'll have to go to a shop and get them removed.", advises the Dr. Really? No way! What a surprize! SMH *insert sarcastic smiley face here*
MRI is postponed until Fri.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
What not to add to your "bucket list'? Breast Biopsy.
Tues 4/9: Fast-forward to the day of my Biopsy....
Within minutes I'm prepped and injected with a local anesthetic in the area where Lumpy and the 'suspicious' lymph are. Doc explains she will make an incision, a small nick to allow room for the big ass needle and that there will be a snapping sound when the needle goes in. What she failed to mention was that what follows the snapping sound will make me take a mental detour to my Happy Place. OMFG! The pain! She explains that its the snapping that has me on edge. You know the 'anticipation'. I explain no bitch its pain! [sans the B word] I think i know the difference between anticipation and having tissue ripped out my breast.
It's then explained to me that the first snap when the needle is injected is for lack of a better word 'opening' the mouth of the needle and the second snap is the device extracting or sucking out the tissue. Guess which snap caused the most pain?!
She asked if I wanted more local anesthetic... yes please! With a shot of Bacardi and a bong! The shit still hurt. This is some bullshit brown baby jesus! What did my boob do to deserve this?! 5 stabs later she completes part 1. Doc exits and I get a few mins to regroup, whoosah and stare up at the ceiling where oddly enough a chandelier hangs.
Digression....
Who in their right mind would hang a chandelier in a medical facility? It's not even a nice looking chandelier. It's tacky as all hell. I mean why not hang a poster of cute puppies, landscape of paradise, or some encouraging mantra for patients to read in the middle of a procedure. Not to mention if there's an earthquake (as a Los Angelino I think of earthquakes and emergency exits often) that sucker is bound to fall and crush the technician AND Dr since the examining room is the size of a Smurfs apartment.
Cue the Dr...
"Ready for round 2?" Is that a rhetorical question?
Part 2 is biopsying my "suspicious" lymph node. This part wasn't as painful. The needle was smaller, the anesthetic was given more time to kick in and perhaps the location (under my arm pit) was not as sensitive. Either way i can focus on the ultrasound monitor where the image of the lymph allows the Dr to inject the needle at the perfect location to extract lymph tissue.
Unfortunately this little kidney bean shaped lymph is right up against a blood vessel. Its a tricky spot especially because every time the needle is injected the lymph is pushed back making difficult to pierce. Its like I'm watching a silent film starring Lymph Node & Vacuum Needle.
I find their dance on the screen fascinating. Both the Tech and I watch the ultrasound monitor rooting for the Dr to pierce the lymph like cheerleaders on a sideline. Every time she gets close we give words of encouragement..."yea right there!" u got it!" After several minutes she manages to get a couple of samples...she hopes are good enough.
We wrap up the procedure with her advising me that it can be one of two things cancer or IGM (which i can't recall what it stands for...long ass medical term for something I can't have I learned after I Googled it). I sense immediately she thinks its cancer. I am obviously aiming for Door #3--nothing and this chick as no clue what she's talking about.
The preliminary pathology report will be available in 24 hours... cue the dramatic soap opera music.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Mammograms are not for Punks!
Fri 4/5: I walk into an imaging diagnostic facility for my mammo & ultrasound. Mammo comes first... OH MY BROWN BABY JESUS!! I've enjoyed rough sex on occasion (who doesn't, right?!).... well let me say clamping my lil boobies with a device named Bucky (named after the owner?) ...a device that was obviously designed by a man! (no offense gentlemen readers) is not only awkward but FUCKING PAINFUL. Any women who say it doesn't hurt (like giving birth to a watermelon) must be on some V (aka Vampire Blood; True Blood reference... c'mon! you didn't get that?) :)
I pride myself on being a tough cookie. I mean I got nipple piercings on both boobs on my 21st birthday and they did not use local anesthesia when I got the piercings (yea, it hurt, but I managed!). But this shit here... this shit known as a MAMMOGRAM... Shiiiit! Its suffice to say I may have swore a lil bit at the technician.
And because my life is a sitcom this procedure could not have gone without some comedy-relief. Good ol Bucky, the mammo machine, decides he needs a break in the middle of completing my slides. Whilst my right boob was trapped in a vice Bucky decided to shut down. I was Smh while keeping still & holding my breath I thought to myself "Self. This is some BS. Leave it to me to overwhelm Bucky with my lil boobs." Needless to say, the procedure took a bit longer than norm and Bucky got a shit ton of action... at my boobs expense.
Next up the Ultrasound! OMG! So much better than Bucky the boob smashing devil! However, I gotta be honest, the fact that I had to have an ultrasound immediately after my mammo didn't sit well with me. It was like a precursor of the news to come.
Getting back to the ultrasound procedure, this device... pretty much the same procedure done on pregnant women, is Painless. The Tech even warmed up the gel on the wand or thing-a-ma-jig that scanned my lil girl, who btw at this point is terrified & bruised like a beaten victim. (cue the tear drop)
By this point.... give or take 30 minutes after the mammo I'm shaking on the inside from the trauma Bucky caused. The ultrasound leads to the a brief consult with the Radiologist. Cue the suspense music.... She reveals that the mass is not, Not, NOT a cyst nor a fibroid. She was very clear.
.
My Spirit felt betrayed, hurt, confused & angry. She didn't say it was cancer, but she didn't say it wasn't. 50/50 chance. Crappy odds if u ask me! I went to my happy place where I create my own Reality and Destiny and she became Charlie Brown's teacher -- I heard little of what she had to share.
One thing I did hear thru the fog of "what the fuck...is this a dream" was that because the images from both the ultra and mammo she recommended a biopsy of both Lumpy (right breast) and a swollen lymph node that looked 'suspicious'. Awei!
*Disclaimer: When the Radiologist thinks something is 'suspicious' ask a shit ton of questions. You may not have the questions ready at the moment, but go home marinated, pull yourself together, be rational, logical, and methodical as best you can in devising a game plan. Share the news with those who support you ASAP...even if you think some can't handle the news! You will be surprised who come out of of the wood work!
The time spent in the abyss of "unknown" or "not knowing" was hands down the worse. More mind boggling than the mammo physical pain. I am blessed with a phenomenal support system and the minute I received the 50/50 news I called every single one of my close family/friends. There was no way I was bottling up and managing the fear by myself. That was one of the best decision I made!
I pride myself on being a tough cookie. I mean I got nipple piercings on both boobs on my 21st birthday and they did not use local anesthesia when I got the piercings (yea, it hurt, but I managed!). But this shit here... this shit known as a MAMMOGRAM... Shiiiit! Its suffice to say I may have swore a lil bit at the technician.
And because my life is a sitcom this procedure could not have gone without some comedy-relief. Good ol Bucky, the mammo machine, decides he needs a break in the middle of completing my slides. Whilst my right boob was trapped in a vice Bucky decided to shut down. I was Smh while keeping still & holding my breath I thought to myself "Self. This is some BS. Leave it to me to overwhelm Bucky with my lil boobs." Needless to say, the procedure took a bit longer than norm and Bucky got a shit ton of action... at my boobs expense.
Next up the Ultrasound! OMG! So much better than Bucky the boob smashing devil! However, I gotta be honest, the fact that I had to have an ultrasound immediately after my mammo didn't sit well with me. It was like a precursor of the news to come.
Getting back to the ultrasound procedure, this device... pretty much the same procedure done on pregnant women, is Painless. The Tech even warmed up the gel on the wand or thing-a-ma-jig that scanned my lil girl, who btw at this point is terrified & bruised like a beaten victim. (cue the tear drop)
By this point.... give or take 30 minutes after the mammo I'm shaking on the inside from the trauma Bucky caused. The ultrasound leads to the a brief consult with the Radiologist. Cue the suspense music.... She reveals that the mass is not, Not, NOT a cyst nor a fibroid. She was very clear.
.
My Spirit felt betrayed, hurt, confused & angry. She didn't say it was cancer, but she didn't say it wasn't. 50/50 chance. Crappy odds if u ask me! I went to my happy place where I create my own Reality and Destiny and she became Charlie Brown's teacher -- I heard little of what she had to share.
One thing I did hear thru the fog of "what the fuck...is this a dream" was that because the images from both the ultra and mammo she recommended a biopsy of both Lumpy (right breast) and a swollen lymph node that looked 'suspicious'. Awei!
*Disclaimer: When the Radiologist thinks something is 'suspicious' ask a shit ton of questions. You may not have the questions ready at the moment, but go home marinated, pull yourself together, be rational, logical, and methodical as best you can in devising a game plan. Share the news with those who support you ASAP...even if you think some can't handle the news! You will be surprised who come out of of the wood work!
The time spent in the abyss of "unknown" or "not knowing" was hands down the worse. More mind boggling than the mammo physical pain. I am blessed with a phenomenal support system and the minute I received the 50/50 news I called every single one of my close family/friends. There was no way I was bottling up and managing the fear by myself. That was one of the best decision I made!
Monkey Wrench
Wed, 3/27: I knew something wasn't right. I'm a healthy 34 yr old athletic woman who works out 4-5 times a week between the gym and running cross-country. I've run 3Ks, 5Ks, half-marathons, walked/run to raise awareness for various non-profits, served with the Peace Corps for over 2 years (Disclaimer: it takes a strong, badass, passionate person to serve in the hardest job I ever loved for FREE) but as I sat at my desk at work my Spidey sense was on fire. My right breast was not feeling right.
By the time my girlfriend picked me up at 6pm to attend a show my speed bump of a boob was on fire (burning/stingy sensation located in one area of my right side). Needless to say, I done took off my bra whilst in the car on the way to the theater-- I was super uncomfortable.
Later that evening, after returning home, I examined myself and where there use to be regular tissue now felt like a 'lump'. My right breast always felt different from my left; however, it never had a 'lump'. Honestly, I had routine check-ups and inquired, but no Dr. gave me reason to worry because plenty of women have differences in their breasts (size,fibrosis, cysts, changes depending on the time of the month, etc). I, nor any of my previous Dr.'s, felt a 'lump' --EVER! Being the calm and collected woman that I am I tried not to think much of it, made a mental note and went to bed.
Thurs, 3/28: Fast forward to Thurs morn.... the stinging subsided but as I'm getting ready for work i look in the mirror and realized that my lil girl on the right (nipple) was droopy--melancholy. Whereas b4 she was perky, standing proud with her nipple ring like her sis Lefty now she appeared as if our nipple ring was holding the weight of the world-- dragging her down. No longer was my right nipple perky. She looked like a wilted flower tired of holding her head up. I scheduled an appt with my Gyn.
Fri, 4/29: On the table with my Gyn as she exams my lil girls. She feels 'the lump'. I feel the pressure of her fingers on 'the lump'. "I think its a cyst. Im referring u to get a mammo and ultrasound..." she shares with me. 8 months short of my 35th birthday, I schedule my first adult mammogram.
By the time my girlfriend picked me up at 6pm to attend a show my speed bump of a boob was on fire (burning/stingy sensation located in one area of my right side). Needless to say, I done took off my bra whilst in the car on the way to the theater-- I was super uncomfortable.
Later that evening, after returning home, I examined myself and where there use to be regular tissue now felt like a 'lump'. My right breast always felt different from my left; however, it never had a 'lump'. Honestly, I had routine check-ups and inquired, but no Dr. gave me reason to worry because plenty of women have differences in their breasts (size,fibrosis, cysts, changes depending on the time of the month, etc). I, nor any of my previous Dr.'s, felt a 'lump' --EVER! Being the calm and collected woman that I am I tried not to think much of it, made a mental note and went to bed.
Thurs, 3/28: Fast forward to Thurs morn.... the stinging subsided but as I'm getting ready for work i look in the mirror and realized that my lil girl on the right (nipple) was droopy--melancholy. Whereas b4 she was perky, standing proud with her nipple ring like her sis Lefty now she appeared as if our nipple ring was holding the weight of the world-- dragging her down. No longer was my right nipple perky. She looked like a wilted flower tired of holding her head up. I scheduled an appt with my Gyn.
Fri, 4/29: On the table with my Gyn as she exams my lil girls. She feels 'the lump'. I feel the pressure of her fingers on 'the lump'. "I think its a cyst. Im referring u to get a mammo and ultrasound..." she shares with me. 8 months short of my 35th birthday, I schedule my first adult mammogram.
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